


Home Grown Paranoia

by Monsters_and_Matsu



Series: More Freemind Please [2]
Category: freeman's mind
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Conflict, Daddy Issues, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Misogyny, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Pre-Canon, Self-Worth Issues, Therapy, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:34:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27763825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monsters_and_Matsu/pseuds/Monsters_and_Matsu
Summary: Who cares about what caused Freemind to become the person he is today? He's just a bad guy right?But maybe you'll click on this anyway. If you're curious about what consecutive negative reinforcement does to a person.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freemind
Series: More Freemind Please [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2031052
Comments: 51
Kudos: 160





	1. Panic Attack

**Author's Note:**

> Ship: Freeman's mind Gordon and canon Barney.  
> Setting: Pre-Canon / Resonance Cascade never happened.

Imagine you are dreaming about the significant growing points in your life.

...

Freemind is a child. He sits content in front of the tv.

Something comes on that he’s never heard of before. In big words on the screen and a firm voice it says “The AIDS Epidemic.”

His father is watching the tv too and groans, “Not this shit.”

Freemind looks at him, “What?”

“That disease. It shouldn’t be happening, people are so goddamn stupid.”

Freemind has never heard these words in this order before, but he understands it makes Dad upset. He doesn’t want to make Dad upset either, “Why?”

His father makes a face and leans forward, “Well uh. The thing is... the way it spreads- It’s infecting people because the gays are spreading it around.”

“Who?”

“Gays. Gay people.”

“What’s that?”

“Men who like other men. It’s like mom and dad. But. Two men.” His father says irritated. “And because of them, they’re spreading that illness everywhere and it’s killing people. It’s horrible.”

Freemind looked back at the tv with a nod, his brain absorbing this information like a sponge.

Bad... Doing that was bad. Kills and hurts people.

This got logged into the child’s head:

They should have been more careful and were dumb people for not knowing better. If you aren’t smart, you’re going to let bad things happen to you too and you’ll end up hurting people.

I’m not like that. I will be better than these people. Got it.

* * *

Freemind is in 6th grade.

“My kid getting B’s in class?? Come on, stop being an asshole. We’re a smart family. You know, it’d be different if you weren’t capable. But you are. You’re just being lazy.”

Next grading period he’d make sure to do better.

Freemind came back and proudly held up his new report card, “Look dad! I got straight A’s this time!” His eyes hopeful to get the recognition he deserved for abandoning his leisure time to put all his effort into doing the best he possibly could.

His father moved his newspaper away for only a second to glance at him, “Good. That's what you should of been getting from the start.”

The smile sank off Freemind’s face.

Even when he pushed himself to his limits, sacrificing his sanity and his joy to meet someone else’s standards, he was still only... adequate.

I’ll never be more than barely acceptable. Got it. 

* * *

Freemind sat on the sofa, mindlessly enjoying television as any teen would. Able to let his guard down in the safety of his own home. Where he lived with the people he trusted most.

Father sat on the opposite side of the room in his armchair. The man’s chair, nobody was allowed to sit there but him.

It was quiet besides the sounds of commercials.

“I really thought you would be the one to make me proud.”

Freemind looked over at him, face slowly changing to distress. He... he wasn’t even doing anything.

“Look at you, I thought you’d be the sports star of the family. You don’t even take care of yourself. I can see the bones in your wrist, like a girl. You should be at the gym pumping iron, you’re just sitting here doing nothing.”

He stared at the old man who was out of shape and also sitting doing nothing.

“Don’t give me that look. When I was your age I was always outside. All I did were sports. I could of played professionally but that meant having to move states. I had to look after my mother and sisters and soon your mom. What’s your excuse?”

Freemind couldn’t say anything. He wasn’t allowed to exist guilt-free unless he was struggling and pushing himself.

Yeah, what is my excuse? Father would never steer me wrong.

I’m a disappointment. Got it.

* * *

Father came home drunk.

Freemind was trying to go up the stairs to leave, he was old enough to know when he didn’t want to deal with shit.

“Haha you know? You know what I mean? Come on, answer me.” He was shoving and poking Freemind in the shoulder over and over. Laughing at his discomfort, getting a kick out of bothering him.

“Leave me THE FUCK ALONE!!!” Freemind burst out turning to face him.

The atmosphere suddenly gets dark. Freemind could physically feel that he made a mistake. There were no good outcomes from here. Making himself heard would only lead to more pain.

“DON’T FUCKING EVER RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME!!!” Father threatened back. The only thing keeping them apart was Mother. “Do you know how much I fucking do for this family!? You have no idea how much I love you all and this is the THANKS I GET!?”

Screaming, guilt-tripping, screaming, guilt-tripping.

Your feelings will never matter even to the people that are on your side, everyone should work themselves to death for the person who earned their place at the head of the household.

Father claims he never acted this way. This never happened. You're lying.

This is how you show love. Got it.

* * *

Freemind is on his knees, crying uncontrollably.

He can’t get his words out, he doesn’t know what’s happening to him, it feels like the world is closing in around him.

He was such a waste of space, he was lucky his family was forced to care for him, he wasn’t worth even a table scrap and yet they buy him whatever he wants. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t EARN it. They always reminded him that he wasn’t good enough but they let him have stuff because they loved him.

He was going to get taken advantage of the moment he left the house, he wasn’t good enough to protect himself, he wasn’t smart enough to survive on his own, everything he did at home was wrong, how could he live safely when every single time he made a choice it was the wrong one?

He never wanted Father to see him like this. Now he really knows how weak he is. How much of a failure he is...

“Man the fuck up. My son doesn’t cry like a little girl. Is that what you are? A helpless little girl that needs everything done for her? You’re supposed to _protect_ the women in your life. If you don’t do it, who will? They need us to be the strong ones.”

Freemind could only sob harder, breaking down into an embarrassing mess.

This was his role as a human being. They were supposed to be perfect. That’s what he’s always been told. His family would never lie to him.

Something must be wrong with him that he behaved so strangely compared to his parents. He didn’t meet the level they expected of him. He was always trying to fix missteps.

He didn’t fit this role he was told he was supposed to have. He didn’t want to constantly push himself to do things he didn’t want to.

Why... Why wasn’t he born perfect like them? Like everyone else? All he wanted was to be able to do what his loved ones asked of him. He wanted to earn his love, he wanted to be a good person. If people didn’t love him, he would be shredded apart by society like the other bad people.

He was so fearful. He was going to die... The world would kill him off if he couldn’t learn how to be good. Nobody could ever know about how much he’s struggling or else they’d take advantage of him.

Nobody could know he had failed at being a person before he was even an adult.

Got it.

* * *

Freemind jolted out of sleep, he couldn’t breath, he sat up and threw the blankets off him as he loudly started panicking.

He felt so sweaty and so cold at the same time, he was light headed and had this horrible phantom sensation of pressure over his entire body... The only way he could describe it... was that it felt like he was holding a toothpick with a mattress on top of it.

The mattress loomed over him, it would crush him if he tried moving it any other way, he wasn’t strong enough to carry it on his own. But this toothpick was. It was able to keep the mattresses up. He was barely able to protect himself, even with help. This toothpick was so hard to hold onto, it hurt so bad. He could feel the mattress’ pressure through it. Yet he had to either endure the pain or die. This overwhelming feeling of weakness and forcing to push past exhaustion.

Truly, this phantom feeling was the definition of Hell. His brain had just given him a visual for it. Maybe in hopes of understanding it.

Barney was startled awake by Freemind’s erratic movements and noises, sitting up pricked with concern. “Hey, hey- Gordon what’s wrong??”

He put his hand on his arm but that made Freemind shrink away, getting up out of bed. “I-I need...I need to _leave-_ uuuh ugh- oh my fucking god-” All these gasping stressed noises escaped him. His tight chest making it difficult to get oxygen.

He didn’t get further than a step before his legs crumbled under him, cramps wrecking them. He grabbed the bed as he was reduced to a kneeling pile next to it, his hands and guts started to go numb and that only made him hyperventilate worse.

It was dark, he couldn’t move, his body hurt- His voice cracked as tears were forced to surface. He was only able to shake his head, “Oh god no no no nonono- nooo hgn- I’m going to die...!”

Barney quickly got himself up and rushed to the other side to crouch next to him. “Gordon listen to my voice. You’re not dying, look I’m right here with you. I wouldn’t let you die.” He put his hands on his upper arms and started rubbing them fairly quickly. He needed Freemind to use his senses to bring him back to reality.

“Try to calm your breathing-” Calhoun took a second to turn on a light and immediately kneeled down again, “I’m here, you’re okay you’re okay.” He didn’t know what had him in a full blown panic attack but he was here for him, he’d help him through this. Trying everything he could to remind him where he was whether it was with sound, touch or visuals- Maybe lighting a candle could help too. Anything to help him, he wanted to help him.

Fuck he didn’t have any tissues- It didn’t matter. Calhoun took the thin sheet and wiped Gordon’s leaking face with it. His comfort was more important than having to wash one blanket.

Freemind gathered the will to talk after a moment and it be clear enough to make sense. His sentence coming out fast and jumbled between sobs, “He’s- He knows what I d-did- He’s going to think I’m gay, He’s going to hate me-”

“Who??”

“Dad- My dad-” Freemind started to make sounds that weren’t words again.

That was enough info for Barney to pull at Freemind, trying to get him to sit up. “Gordon- Gordon look at me-”

Freemind fought him, wanting to curl up and disappear rather than have another human being see him like this. Calhoun got a grip on him and forced him to look at him “GORDON, your dad is NOT here. Do you hear me??”

Freemind made a gross visceral noise trying to get away but gave up when he couldn’t. He rubbed his waterlogged eyes so he could see- Barney was here, he loved Barney...Barney. Love...so listen...to Barney.

“He’s not here, he is not here. He can’t hurt you. I won’t _let_ him hurt you. Okay? You’re okay.” Calhoun just said over and over. Freemind finally started to calm down.

“Come here...” Barney huffed as he sat down fully so he could pull Freemind into his lap. His arms gently holding him.

Gordon tiredly knocked his head against his shoulder, resting it there as he sniffled and coughed into it. He dug his fingers into his shirt as if making sure he wouldn’t leave.

Barney...He loved Barney.

He wanted to trust him, even though loving someone always ended up hurting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song recommendation: I earned my life by lemon demon.


	2. Therapist

Freemind is freshly showered and walks into the kitchen already dressed for the day. He was peeling the wrapper off an adhesive liniment strip. He comes up behind Barney who’s cooking on the stove top, lifting his shirt slightly so he could stick the heat pack right above his waistband.

Tsh what idiots they were, falling asleep sitting on the floor like that. Especially with Calhoun’s busted ass spine, comes with only having jobs that require manual labor. Probably could have been prevented and saved him the pain...

Soon they’re both sitting at the table across from each other.

Barney put down a plate of eggs and bacon for each of them, but he watches as Freemind leans his face on his hand and picks at his food. “You okay?”

“...That hasn't happened to me in a while. And most of the time I was alone.” Gordon said after a long pause, referencing his panic attack and not looking up at him. “So. I don't know whether to be angry at you or thank you.”

Calhoun raised his brows, wow just- wow. That must be one of the most honest things he has ever heard from this man. He was left sort of speechless, that their fairly long term relationship garnered the trust of Freemind.

Gordon thought about it a little more. “How'd you know what to do. All those things you did last night?”

Barney perked up, “I just uh- I knew I had to calm you down. So when you use your senses like touch and sound it kind of grounds you. It might not take you out of the panic attack right away but-”

Freemind cuts him off. “Oh, I don't do that.”

“What?”

“I said-” He raised his voice getting sterner, “I don't DO that. I don't have attacks or whatever because I’m _normal_. I am perfectly maintained and in fact- I'm a lot better and smarter than the idiots parading around outside.”

Calhoun creased his brows, “Gordon. I'm really worried about you, this is bad. Acting like that-”

“NO no no no no- Stop it right now!” His feelings were getting hurt and it was evident from the change on his face. He couldn’t handle any comments in the moment of admitting vulnerability. “I am NOT bad! I'm a good person! I'm good and normal and there's nothing wrong with me!!”

Freemind held his fork with an iron grip, getting whipped up in a frenzy again.

“No no that's not what I meant!” Barney reached out a hand to touch his fist and Gordon eased up being reassured. "I talking about how fucking stressed you are- it isn't healthy."

"Pft. Well." He got a smug look on his face. "If I wasn't always on guard and laser focused then I wouldn't be perfect. So it's just the nature of things."

Calhoun stares at him. That was the most bullshit logic he's ever heard. He has watched Freemind zone out and get distracted by thought A LOT. But he always managed to have a little bit of luck on his side and gets things done anyway? It was bizarre.

Even then, he couldn’t shake the image of last night from his head. Seeing a completely different side of Freemind that he solemnly let surface. Barney blurted out without thinking, “I’m sorry for whatever he did to you.”

“Don't. Talk about my dad.” Gordon replied sharply.

“Sorry.” Calhoun retracted, that was an impulsive thing to say...

He gave him the opportunity to drop it, but Freemind wore an irritated expression and couldn't hold his tongue, “My dad was a good person. It was me who fucked up too much. And now I’m a hard working better man because of it. I don’t make mistakes.”

“Gordon... that doesn't sound...”

“YOU DON’T GET IT, you didn’t know my family! We had goddamn standards!” Freemind hits his fist on the table and shoves his plate away throwing his fork onto it, not wanting to eat anymore. Holding his head in his hands as he leaned his elbows on the table.

Barney looked at him with worried eyes, “I’m... you’re right. I didn’t know them. I'm just... worried about you.”

* * *

“I don't want to be here.” Freemind said bluntly.

“Listen. My friend here is doing me a favor and agreed to come because I asked. So uh... Pardon him if he’s a bit abrasive.” Barney told a woman sitting in a chair across from them.

They were in a small office with an armchair and a sofa with a coffee table in the middle. A pair of bookshelves sat behind the specialist, filled with books and the occasional decoration. Freemind couldn’t help but stare sourly at these items, judging the rug in his head and eyeing the door as if planning his escape if things got out of hand.

“Come on, it’s alright. Would I ever steer you wrong?” Barney encouraged as he touched Gordon’s crossed arms, making him growl.

The therapist watched the two men interact with a tilt of her head, “What is your relation again?”

“We're uh, roommates.” Calhoun answered. “We really wouldn't be comfortable using any other titles than that.”

That's... an interesting subtext, she noticed. “May I ask if you're seeing each other?”

Freemind’s eyes widened mortified as he stared a hole into the wall, refusing to look at them. “I REALLY don't want to talk about this.” He pushed his heels against the floor and his back into the sofa harder, as if hoping it would give and he'd sink away.

Barney holds his hands up at the therapist pleadingly, “Please! Let's leave it at roommates.”

She nods, “Alright, what brings you here today?”

“Well, I thought it would be nice for Gordon to share what’s on his mind and hear a professional's opinion on it. Because I for one think he could really use the help.”

Gordon squinted being prompted to speak, his face turning into an exaggerated scowl. At first he had decided that he wasn’t going to say anything at all, but the dead silence started to get to him. “I don't _like_ talking about this stuff.”

Barney couldn’t help a chuckle, “You're just saying that cause you don't like doing shit you're bad at.”

Freemind looks at him and smiles angrily, "Ooohhoho- I'm going to punch you in the dick when we get home." He turned his body away loudly against the seating with an audible ‘Hmph.’

“Is uh... is everything okay here? Are the threats. Normal between you two?” She asks concerned.

Barney tensed up, “O-oh yes- Yes we're okay! This is how we talk to each other, it's mutual- Don’t worry we have things to keep our communication clear like a safe word and such-”

"BARNEY-!!" Gordon snapped at him pissed and flushed, sitting up and slapping his arm. "You said this would be about stress management or something not telling a fucking STRANGER my pirvate life!!!" He grabbed his own hair in fist fulls ready to start going crazy.

“Well- you're not saying anything! I'm just answering the lady's questions! If you talked I wouldn't havta.” Calhoun argued.

“ _Listen._ ” He turned desperately to the women. “I'm only here because I had one little bad dream and woke him up in the middle of the night, and _I’m fine_ now. There's nothing WRONG with me!”

“I believe you, Dr. Freeman.” The therapist answered compassionately.

“G...Good.” He sat back, his anger and panic dying out when he felt like he was being listened to.

Barney raised his brows flabbergasted. Holy shit- she really was a professional. She got Freemind to shut up and calm down in like, 5 words.

She let a moment pass before addressing Gordon again, “Do you want to talk a little more about this dream? What was it about?”

He shrugged, “I was a kid again.”

“Was that a stressful time in your life?”

“My childhood was fine. My parents busted their ass to keep a house, buy their kids whatever they wanted within reason and always had food on the table. I have nothing to complain about.”

“So... What made it a nightmare?”

Freemind’s expression stiffened slightly, losing eye contact again. “...I don’t know.” It was unclear if he was lying or not.

“How did you feel when you woke up?”

“I uh...” He moved his hands trying to articulate himself. “It felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I was being crushed. But you know. I wasn’t really physically.”

Barney was getting impatient with exploring what he already knew and mumbled, “He was having a panic attack.”

Freemind whined, “Stop _saying that._ I’m telling you that’s not possible!”

The therapist raised her brows interested, “Why’s that?”

“What.” Gordon replied.

“Why isn’t it possible? I’m not sure what your reasoning is.”

“Because-” Freemind made an irritated face, as if he was asked to explain the blatantly obvious. “Because I’m not mentally ill and I haven't been through a big traumatic event- So there’s no REASON for me to have a breakdown. If there isn't a logical fact to back-up why something is happening then why should I believe it?? There’s a reason for everything.”

“That makes sense. Things are easier when you have an explanation.” The therapist replied.

“I would hope the fucking fellow doctor would be smart enough to get what I’m saying.” Freemind added smugly.

Barney sighed. “I don’t have an explanation for what’s going on in your fucked little head, but I’m tellin' ya I recognize panic when I see it.”

“In my professional studies, Dr. Freeman...” She continued. “I can say that it is completely reasonable for a fairly privileged person to still have consistent small term trauma that dramatically affects them. And it takes a conscious effort to recognize it.”

“This is bullshit.” Gordon argued, “My family are good people. They didn’t _abuse_ me.”

“There’s valued insight in allowing yourself to listen to others.” She rebutted. “I never once said you or your family are bad. I’m offering the idea that not everything is black and white. That maybe you grew up with people who genuinely tried their best and meant well, but inadvertently caused you some kind of long-term pain.”

Freemind threw his back against the sofa again with crossed arms, “That’s stupid.” 

She couldn’t help but smile, “If there’s one thing I want to give you men before you go, it’s advice on what you came here for.” She started writing on a small paper. “If you want to find reasons behind your stress, I suggest writing down your thoughts. Especially when you’re really overwhelmed to help process things.”

She held out the homework paper and Freemind kept his displeased face, still refusing to look as he snatched it and shoved it in his pocket. “Yeah, sure, whatever.”

* * *

While Gordon makes his leave as soon as possible, Barney stands at the doctor’s desk. Waiting to receive his credit card back. A question pecks his brain.

“Hey Miss... Can I ask how you did that? I’ve known Gordon for _years._ And only recently did he really start to... let me in. Ya’know? And well. You got him to open up like it was nothin’...” He creased his brows, feeling inadequate now.

She smiled, “It sounds like you have something special between you two.”

Barney shrugged, not really sure.

“You have to remember Mister Calhoun, no matter how well spoken or strategic I am with my wording, you have something much stronger with your friend.” She reassured, “You’re the one he’s willing to hear out, even when you aren’t sure of what to say. And that’s a really special thing to have with someone like him.”

“...You think so?” Barney grew a sweet smile.

She nods and he feels a sense of accomplishment as he takes the card back when she’s done.

The door opens again and Freemind sticks his head in, “Come on already, what’d you get lost?”

“I’m comin’.” Calhoun replies with a roll of his eyes, “Thanks, Miss.”


	3. Captain's Logs

**Freemind’s Log #1:**

I don’t really get the point in writing these.

"Write down your thoughts." Um, helloooooo? What am I, a transcriptionist? If I wrote down every thought I had I’d be writing all the time.

I’m always thinking and it never stops. Thinking, thinking, thinking. I’m like the goddamn Library of Alexandria. I’m rich and plentiful with knowledge. 

Anyway, I had a better idea than writing down my 'emotions' or whatever. Only great important people have logs. Like in Star Trek. I need a Captain's Log and then I will never have to worry about my amazing life ever going without notice.

A thousand years from now, future civilizations will see my notes and be amazed at how much smarter I was then all the bumbling apes surrounding me.

Truly, a story that'll be carved into history.

**Freemind’s Log #2:**

New Mexico, stardate exactly 7:00pm. I have returned home from my extremely critical position at the Black Mesa Research Facility. Progress towards the final project is well underway but far from completion.

Of course, I know all the details of it, but even here I can not go into specifics. Not because there is classified information even I can’t look at- I'm the most important scientist there after all! They tell me everything so I can further the research as efficiently as possible. Honestly, the project would fall apart without me there.

Anyway, whatever they're doing at work is probably too advanced for you. Theoretical physics isn't exactly something you just pick up off the streets, I have a doctorate and I know how to use it.

Let's get to the point, you’re reading this because you want to hear about me and all my impressive achievements. It's only natural really, to want to know everything about the greatest man who ever lived. Given the fact that you'll never reach such perfection. 

Don't let the tales of my peak performance discourage you though, dear future archeologists reading this. Here, I'll be the first to say it: it's okay that you're not perfect.

That's right, even someone as flawless as me can appreciate the fact that the average person does have its good parts. As immensely irritated as it makes me to see inefficiency and tragedy occur because of other's ignorance, sometimes they aren't all bad.

There's truth in the statement "Ignorance is bliss" up until you get taken advantage of, which is why I choose to not live in the dark. But for the simpletons who do, sometimes it is nice being around someone uh, calmer.

I mean, take Barney for example. A friendship between a scientist with a masters degree and a security guard whose job is merely the equivalent to getting another body to do manual labor? What could possibly drive these two people to associate let alone become...close?

Shocking I know, but our society isn't based solely on jobs or education to form friendships. Though I can’t talk to Barney in depth about science, we can still strike up a decent conversation over a beer. We share enough to entertain each other.

And well, we get along in other ways too.

...

What was the point of this Log again? Ah, whatever. Everything I say is Nobel prize worthy anyway.

**Freemind’s Log #3:**

Here’s an update for you, everything is great. I’m perfect as always, the best man alive. I'm everything anyone could ever ask for. Looks? Charm? Smarts? I'm the full fucking package baby!

And anyone who can’t see that is stupid. A complete utter waste of my time and energy.

It really is quite sad, that Barney struggles so much to grasp the concept of me.

He is so insecure sometimes. A fault of being human, I suppose.

He keeps pressing me about how I talk, telling me I seem upset lately. What am I, some kind of wuss? He thinks I can’t handle a little bit of stress?

Ridiculous. I’m always ready to push my limits to get what I want. He needs to get a grip on his own shit.

He should try keeping his nose out of my goddamn business. He doesn't need to know something if I don't want to talk about it.

**Freemind’s Log #4:**

Something has been off with me lately. I don’t know exactly what, but it's like a tension. And it’s not sitting with me right. Really annoying actually.

And then this is the part of the story where I scream and say an alien popped out of my chest! AAAAAAA!!! Oh my god there’s blood everywhere! Whoever finds this note, the code to the safe is 1234. I couldn’t get the antidote in time but maybe you can save yourself! I’m going to fight this chest worm to the death and if I die, know it was an honorable death!

Haha, that reads just like the ominous scattered notes you’d find in a horror video game right?

But in all seriousness, It's probably just a cold. As diligent as I am with cleanliness and safety gear, I can't completely dodge chance.

What separates kings and peasants is how we tackle all the crap life throws at us. I am unyielding, fierce, an unstoppable force of nature. A little uneasy feeling isn’t going to stop me.

You heard of the straw that broke the camel’s back? I've been carrying so much weight for so long, what's another straw or two? I'm no camel motherfucker. My back will never break.

I won’t let it.

This bad mood has to pass soon.

**Freemind’s Log #5:**

This is all that stupid women's fault! Everything worked FINE between Barney and I up until he made her stick her two cents in!

There were no problems before, I would tell Barney anything I wanted and I would feel great afterwards. I had someone who liked me just being myself. I didn’t have to worry about him getting offended or something dumb. He was always there to listen and comfort me- in a totally platonic way mind you.

Now you know what he says to me?? All because this ""Specialist"" thought it was SUCH a great idea!?

"I'm really tired today, maybe you should write it down instead like the therapist said."

Fantastic, Fucking Fantastic.

I can't even have the simple luxury of speaking to another fucking human being?

What does that even mean anyway?? You're too tired to listen? Is talking to me that draining and inconvenient for you?

This is all bullshit. Things were fine how they were before, I was content for once in my goddamn life and now everything's been thrown off!

**Freemind’s Log #6:**

I want to know why it's so difficult dealing with other people.

Why do others get to be happy and when I try to make anything meaningful it always ends in pain?

Human biology is flawed at the fundamentals and emotion is an unnecessary handicap that's constantly betraying me.

...

I’m throwing this out.

* * *

Calhoun approached his roommate. He thought that he was making a turn for the better, the night of the panic attack fading away into an awkward memory. But ever since they saw the professional, Gordon seemed distant and mean at times. And it was starting to really get to him. He creased his brows as for another day in a row, Gordon’s face turned sour when he noticed him.

"Everything alright?"

"Great." Freemind replied in a tone that was very clear he was being sarcastic. But being the irritating man-child he was, he tried to play it off like he was being a hundred percent genuine.

Barney took a deep breath and sighed out his mouth. He should just ignore him, take that as a sign to disengage in conversation. But unfortunately for Calhoun, he let himself care about this stubborn asshole’s opinion. He let his kind nurturing personality believe that for some reason, Freemind was worth worrying about. He was hungry to dissolve conflict with the person he had come to love. To just see him happy.

Sad to think the two were under the impression that other people could resolve your deeply rooted problems for you.

"You sound upset. What's wrong?"

Freemind grinded his teeth so hard that for a moment his partner could hear it, "I'm fine."

"You aren't acting fine." Barney argued.

Freemind slowly raised his body off the sofa. But his posture was strange, his shoulders pushed back and his head hanging crooked. Like he was containing too much dark energy to focus on holding himself up right.

His gaze burned into the other man. "WHY would I be upset, huh?? Can you use your little pea brain to think of a single fucking reason!? If not, you should take my word for it when I say I'm fucking. Fine." As he dragged out that last word his eyes widened like a feral animal.

Barney gulped... The horrible grating feeling that he was doing something terrible came over him. But... He wasn’t doing something awful by asking him to communicate, was he?

Freemind waited, his eyes locked on as if daring him to continue. Calhoun didn’t fucking get it. He couldn’t take the hint that he was at his limit. That if he pushed him to much to confront his insecurities that he'd fucking explode. He didn't _want_ to talk because he already knew what Barney was going to say. He was going to lecture him like a child who didn't do their homework.

Calhoun didn’t realize it but he had this unsure expression knit across his own face. His strength to stand up against Gordon was wavering, "I... I just want to know if I did something to upset you."

Freemind's frown grew menacing as he bared his teeth, his voice lowered. "What _haven't_ you done?" He spat at him. "You insisted on collecting me as a friend, squirming your way into my life and making me think it was safe to open up to you- But why would I think this time it'd be any different. Why did I think YOU were different?"

"What the hell are you rambling around? You don't trust me? Is that what you're trying to say?" His intimidated tone started to tick over into anger. After all the energy he's poured into being understanding and comforting this lunatic... just wanting to see that pleasant side of Freemind he knew was buried under all that defensiveness, his patience was wearing thin. "How about you be straight forward for once in your life."

Freemind narrowed his eyes, "Tsh, you even make me forget the obvious. That you're a blithering moron that can't understand anything unless it's written out for you."

"If you have a problem say it to my fucking face instead of being a goddamn baby!" Barney commanded.

Freemind's face started to burn, he wanted to stay quiet from the beginning and let this pass! But Calhoun pushed him again and again and again until he was forced to go crazy.

Ironic that Gordon didn’t realize he pushed other's boundaries too. Just in a different way.

"I should have never fucking listened to you! I'm perfectly happy on my own when I can do everything the way I want it, but when you stuck your ugly head into the picture it became a game of 'I owe you'. Now some fucking stranger knows MY personal business, judging me behind my back like everyone else, laughing at my misfortune and mistakes. ALL BECAUSE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO IT!!!"

"You're the most DRAMATIC PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET!!!" Calhoun screamed back losing it, "You think that therapist gives a SINGLE FUCK about who you are and your problems!? She sees a hundred different people a week! You're nothing to her, you’re _nobody!_ You act like you're the most important person in the world and you're FUCKING NOT!!!"

 _"I AM IMPORTANT!!!"_ Freemind shrieked, "I DESERVE HAPPINESS AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO COMPROMISE TO GET IT!!!"

Barney’s face was quickly turning into disgust, if Gordon wanted to drive him away he was doing a good job of doing it. But what did he expect when he asked Freemind to be honest with him?

"Every relationship has compromise." Calhoun informed him firmly, a quiet anger fizzling off his tongue.

"Then I _don't want it_." Gordon was too quick to hiss, "I don't NEED FRIENDS. And I don’t need someone to babysit me."

Barney's expression had stilled to a silent rage behind his eyes, he slowly nodded his head. "That's it. I'm done with you."

Just as the therapist did, he was shut up with that brief sentence. Unarguable and clear. Freemind's heart sank straight to his shoes.

Calhoun walked past him and out the door. He paid no notice to the way Gordon’s face dissolved into horrified undertones. How he choked up, unable to spit out another word to make him stop.

Immediate regret stormed Freemind's body, though he didn’t recognize that's what the feeling was. Fuck, all he knew was that the sudden pain that flushed him was so intense it physically hurt.

Gordon grabbed his own chest, still holding onto the anger of the moment while heartbreak ravaged him. "Fine... Fine...! You’re fucking loss!!!" The door was already closed. "I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone. I don’t. I do not...!"

If he said it enough times, maybe he could convince himself that he meant to do this. That he was fine. Ignore that every inch of his body was screaming that this wasn’t okay.

He was fine.

He was fine.

I swear, this is what it feels like to be fine.


	4. Consequences

**Freemind's Log #?:**

Barney hasn't talked to me for a couple days now. It's pissing me off that he's ignoring my calls.

...It's pissing me off more that this anxiety over him won't go away. And all I have are these dumb logs to listen to me.

I want to go over to his house and beg for forgiveness. But I know that won't work. And what a disgusting excuse for establishing continued interaction: through _pity._

For them to see you sniveling and crying like a broken, pathetic waste of space. And feel forced to give into you. Because then they know the truth. That they're all that you got.

I hate with every fiber of my being that other people hold this power over me. I need other's attention like a despicable unevolved monkey dancing for coins to be put in my little tin cup as God cranks his music box. And they always run away overwhelmed.

Well... That's not a hundred percent true. I do have one friend that seems to be able to converse with me perfectly. Eddie.

Eddie started as a high school acquaintance that was the one stop shop for any restricted product you wanted. Fake IDs, alcohol, cigarettes. But once we were older, he got into the drug business and let's just say I started to see him a lot more often.

It started as a business transaction sure, but I knew we were chill when I went clean and Eddie still hit me up to hang out. Things just never seemed to get awkward when it came to him, if he didn’t like something I said he always brushed it off and I did the same to him. There was always an understanding between us. I never felt... guilty for being myself.

Funny. Speaking of drugs, this sort of reminds me of why I quit.

I hate being dependent on something.

**Freemind’s Log #?:**

Isn't it disturbing to think about how imperfect living creatures are?

No matter how smart I am, I could catch a cold, break a bone, be midst an accident out of my control. I am trapped within a body that will one day fail me.

Why must I be a subject of pain in the face of no answers?

**Freemind’s Log #?:**

Feels so empty without him here, I can't even think straight. 

This is what I get for trying to spare his feelings. Why is it so hard to talk to him sometimes. I shouldn't hold back and just say what's on my mind when it happens. 

He'll hate me either way.

* * *

Despite all the terrible feelings, life still demanded productivity out of him and to show up at work. The fight still pecked at his mind, poking at his nerves. It was taking a lot to just stay focused, he had managed to not break down in public yet. Distract himself long enough to forget his life outside work while he's been here.

But as he walked to his lab today, he had the misfortune of spotting Barney at his station. He halted. The sight of him setting alarms off in his body. He was here in the flesh, he was real, he had to work. He was forced to acknowledge him.

In a moment of weakness, Freemind ignored judgment and went over to him.

"Can I get your assistance?" He asked in his fake polite voice.

Calhoun didn’t even look at him. "You have guards assigned closer to your lab, go ask them."

If he was talking to anybody else, the snappy reply would of immediately ended in a 'Well fuck you too, buddy.'

"You’re more fit to the task." Freemind lied trying again. Wanting him to follow him somewhere private, like they've been used to doing for some time now. Both no stranger to making it sound like they were working when they actually slack off.

"No." Calhoun struck pain through his chest again with the ease of one word. Unarguable, clear, brutally honest. No attempt to cover his real wants with 'I'm busy' or such courteous excuses. No, he would not.

Gordon's straight expression started to slip and he felt an embarrassed heat rise to his cheeks being flat out rejected. "I just want to talk for a minute, come on."

Barney looked over at him coldly with a half lidded gaze, carrying the tone of a prison guard whose job was to stand outside death row. "You need to learn that your actions have consequences." He stated briefly before staring back at what he was doing.

His eyes widened. "YOU-" Freemind raised his voice pissed and pointed finger at him threateningly, only to stop as he glanced around. He had caught everyone else's attention in the hallway. They were all staring at them now.

Barney raised a brow at him, he didn’t even need to speak to communicate what he was thinking. 'You’re really going to do this here? Go for it.'

The anger that sparked inside him almost instantly sank into submission. Freemind quickly turned on his heels and walked down the hall without another word. Straight to his lab with his symbolic tail between his legs. There was no winning this battle, not here. The longer he stayed and asked, it would become obvious he was desperate to talk to Barney. If he made a scene it would be even more embarrassing. And the last thing he needed was to dread seeing the people he was forced to work with everyday.

How torturous. To know Calhoun was just standing there. Not more than a dozen doors down. And he was powerless to speak to him. Completely cut off. Alone.

This fucking sucked. This sucked so much fucking ass. WHY was this horrible twisted pain stuck in his chest when all he did was stand up for himself? When he was trying to resolve things?

He had felt shitty already and that interaction just kicked his self-esteem straight back to the bottom of the barrel.

Gordon attempted to tunnel vision on his paperwork, crunching numbers desperate to distract himself. The terrible emotions kept threatening to overwhelm him in front of his co-workers. A primal response to cry as a call for help. But he didn’t want their pity nor judgment, not like these strangers could fix this for him anyway.

He should have never fallen for the kindness and attention Barney had laid out for him.

Freemind was like a king in a locked castle and day after day Barney came to his gate with flowers of friendship. And it made him forget why the gates were locked in the first place and he let him in. A new residence walking among the corridors of glass vases he had displayed inside. Some carefully glued back together from falling before, some not quite fixed right or some never having been seen by another person until now. But every one of them fragile and given a wobbly stand to start on.

It was not that the King really believed that resident Barney was here to break one while he wasn’t looking. He knew from past experience that hastily letting someone in due to loneliness could and has led to damage. That's why it took him so long to grant him entry.

But Freemind was on edge, knowing it was always a possibility. That he could always stumble into one by accident. Or even worse, Barney could smash a vase if he really wanted to. He could grab every vase the king had ever shown him with pride or fear and smash it into a thousand little pieces.

Pieces the king would struggle to try to reassemble.

Once he cobbled them together, they could awkwardly hold small daisies he found himself. They were good enough in the moment. Substitutes that would grant him some kind of brief happiness to look at. Sometimes that’s all he trusted to put in the recovering vases.

But nothing could quite compare to the beautiful roses he was used to receiving from Barney. And now he had stopped supplying them. 

He thought he would be happy just having these dead flowers to look back on fondly. But... he still yearned for life. His aching heart was begging him to let people in, to let people place flowers of all different kinds into his displays.

Yet the king, despite being a king, knew his place. He knew that he was vulnerable to trickery and attack. 

And so he sat in his empty castle.

* * *

Freemind slunk back home by himself. The insult to injury here was that Barney was the one with a car, so the bus hadn’t been necessary for a while. What a long, stuffy commute.

He flicked the light on.

Barney’s stuff was still here, they had been roommates after all. Completely moved in together. It gave him a shred of hope that he would come back soon. But seeing Calhoun had bought a whole new set of clothes for work, maybe he didn’t care about replacing all his other belongings either.

Seeing his possessions scattered around was a painful reminder of what had happened, but it didn’t feel right shoving all his things away. So he just tortured himself. Dealing with the various objects and furniture that he had compromised on displaying because they were Calhoun’s.

He sat on his bed aimlessly for a moment as he unbuttoned his shirt and belt. He could think of a couple of things that could ease his mood. Alcohol, drugs, a sad jerk off. But he didn’t feel like doing any of those. It was almost like he wanted to linger in the sadness, maybe because he was fighting to suppress it day after day.

His head was void of words for a brief moment.

Then his eyes focused on a basket overflowing with laundry.

Freemind lifted his head and glanced over each of the individual garments that weren’t his, the way they had been haphazardly tossed in there and spilled over the sides. The messiness suddenly pricked a different kind of annoyance in him.

He got up and opened the lid so he could at least shove the fabric down out of sight. But he blinked as he was smacked in the face with an unexpected side product, the scent of Calhoun drifted up and overwhelmed him.

It was half masculine plain deodorant and half Barney’s own natural smell. And Freemind had come to associate that with so much. Memories of the man wrapping his arms around him and leaning his face into his neck with this exact same scent greeting him.

It made Gordon gulp hard as he quickly came back from wherever he was transported to. A memory. A happier place. It made him bite his lip greedy for more of the feeling already.

He glanced around as if checking that he was still alone. A pause. Then with a shaky hand, he gripped one of the shirts pulling it out. He bunched it up and buried his face in it as he took a deep breath. The pleasant feeling hit him again. Oh god, what a pleasant feeling...

He reveled in it. In the sweetness of the person who brought him ease so many times. So much reassurance. The feeling of being loved even when he was such a fuck up. It had the power to put his nerves at ease or set them ablaze. Comfort. All he wanted was this love and comfort all the time. It made him feel okay when he was constantly thinking about the negative in life.

He closed his eyes, tears welling up in them. The last thing he wanted was to drive Barney away. If he could just speak to him one last time... He’d say he was so sorry. That he meant the world to him.

If he was just honest, maybe he could be forgiven...

Suddenly he froze, his brief happiness ripped away. He felt a presence.

The person who had been raised by his father inched up the back of his skull. Watching him from inside. Staring at him with a learned disgusted, judging grimace. He took over his body and filled it with a hideous discomfort. Stabbing him with an utter hatred for how pathetic he must have looked. He could hear it, line for line the awful opinions of him.

Judgement and disapproval. Eyes clawing into him. Convinced that if the world could see him in such a weak state that they would throw him to the wolves. How could anyone forgive him?

He threw the shirt as hard as he could on the floor and grabbed his arms, clutching himself as he coughed out a strangled whimper. Even now he couldn’t let go, trying to stop the rest of the the tears from leaking out. 

Pathetic! He was so needy and reliant!

He wanted nothing more than to be perfectly fine on his own!

* * *

There was a knock at the door, and Gordon wasn’t prepared for who was standing there.

"I'm just getting some somethings." Calhoun said flatly as he walked in, bag in hand.

Freemind’s heart thumped in his chest, this was surreal. The cogs in his head stopped. It was happening, the last connections to his roommate being taken away. If he was going to say anything, he had to do it now. And he had to make it count.

He pulled himself together, closing the door and following him.

He cleared his throat. He had thought about this interaction for days now and yet he still wasn’t prepared.

"What's the rush, as if you have somewhere better to be. You should stay a while. We can have a beer or two. Catch up." He said in confidence.

Barney made a face at the backhanded offer, "Fuck off."

He frowned. Freemind's bad habit of going on the defensive immediately kicked in, "What's your problem, too much of an asshole to even talk to me now? Can't even hear me out? Scared I'll be right??"

The guard tried ignoring him. Not wanting to give him anymore notice.

Gordon wasn’t satisfied with that, "If you just let me explain myself you'd see this isn't a big deal. You don’t have to be a wuss and run away!"

God, he KNEW he wanted a conversation and that's why he attempted to not reply but- "I'm not here to deal with this!" Calhoun couldn’t resist.

"Well news flash asshole! I’m here and a part of this! You can’t just act like you don’t know me! And you can't stop me from _opening my mouth!!"_

The ice was already too thin to continue this discussion normally. Barney dropped what he was doing and pushed Freemind against the nearest wall, sick of everything he said being less important while Gordon demanded to be paid attention to.

"You really think yelling at someone is how you earn their love? That I'll let you insult me until I’m so desperate for some peace and quiet that I’ll let you say whatever you want? You have another thing coming." Barney growled at him, his hand grabbing the side of his neck and jaw hard to make Freemind's face stay towards his.

"W-what?" Freemind said shaken, trying to process his words.

"You can't bully me into doing what you want, how much clearer do I havta be?" He glared at him. “I don’t have to deal with you if I don’t want to.”

Gordon was quickly losing his cool. If he said nothing then things went wrong, if he got angry then things went wrong, he didn’t know what to do anymore! His eyebrows creased, his thoughts getting away from him. “Please just- yell at me back so things can go back to normal! Then we'll be even!”

"I don't _want_ to punish you. It might make me feel better in the moment but that’s not who I am. I try to treat people the way I want to be treated." Calhoun sighed. "I can't fix your issues, if you really want me to stay then. Seek. Help."

Ooh he fucking hated it, even now Barney managed to torture him with the worst responses possible! "I DON'T WANT TO, I'M FINE HOW I AM!" He whined practically in tears, balling his fists and hitting them hard against the wall at his sides, squirming in distress. He only had two horrible options and he hated it, hated it, hated it!!! He couldn’t have everything he wanted!

Calhoun’s expression dropped into annoyance, "Then I don't want to be around the next time you explode." He said simply and let go of him. The both of them could play this stubborn game. Stuck in a deadlock until something changes.

Gordon started to slide down the wall, desperation peaking. "Can... At least fuck me and make the pain go away for a little while." He begged, his voice boarding on hysterics.

"I am done pouring endless amounts of energy into you and you not even trying." Barney replied, making a face at the suggestion. It stirring an odd feeling inside him.

"I...I AM trying!" He croaked out having no other argument, he stifled unstable sobs as he fell all the way down to sit on the floor. He hid his face in his hands. He couldn’t bring himself to say the obvious, to say that he was sorry and too demanding and he fucked up when he lost his temper.

But there was one thing that was able to crack through that stubborn exterior, when Gordon started to huff awkwardly as panic filled his body. Barney knew him well enough to know that anything that might make Freemind look vulnerable... was genuine.

Calhoun stared at him a moment. He dropped his shoulders, even if he was still angry, he didn’t have the heart to kick Gordon while he was down. The guard kneeled next to him, "Come on now... don't make yourself sick."

"I-I'm...fine." Freemind murmured.

"Are you sure?"

He wiped his eyes trying to take control of his hyperventilating, but the moment he looked up at his partner's kind face... he gave in. “No.” The waterworks overwhelmed him. "I'm not okay."

"Yeah, I know." Barney said softly with a little smile. It's only what he's been saying for awhile now. And he guess him even admitting it was a start. "I know it's gonna go to your head, but I hate seeing you like this. That's why I push you sometimes."

Freemind outreached his arms to let Calhoun closer.

They ended up laying in bed together, Gordon facing Barney’s chest. The guard’s arm draped over his side and other hand stroking his roommate's hair gently. The quiet sounds of Freemind sniffling audible every now and again.

"We need to figure out a better way to handle this." Calhoun thought aloud.

Gordon lifted a hand touching him, "I'm sorry..." He said hoarsely.

Barney felt some ease as he ran his fingers through the other man's hair and along the back of his neck, "I'm sorry too."


	5. Lull in the Storm

Waking from a sleep that was deeper than it has been for ages. There was comfort in the familiar. There was shame in falling back on old habits. Relief. Isn’t that all anyone wants? To be comfortable? Or should there always be a push to do something. Shouldn’t you be doing something?

Droplets of rain were dripping down the window glass, some noisy as they fell off the gutters and plink into puddles onto the concrete below. Sun rising well above the horizon and beating into the openings of the bedroom.

Freemind felt himself wake up, but he didn’t open his eyes. It was nicer being unconscious. He didn’t want to deal with anything today might bring. Doesn’t want to think about it. But time didn’t stop because he wanted it to, and by extension soon he had to use the bathroom.

He stirred. The blankets felt so soft and warm, like they were coddling him. He really didn’t want to leave their touch. Their affection brought him an ease he hadn’t felt for days. As if the heat the layers of fabric were trapping in and swaddling him with was reminiscent of the foreign hold of another living being.

The feeling of loneliness was an empty and stark one. Nothing but his own movements and decisions mattered right now when it came to causing sensations against his skin. Only a vague draft threatened his existence.

Then he felt a sharp stabbing in his gut and groaned as he rolled over. Right, needed to pee. It made his body cringe and caused goosebumps to rise when he begrudging pulled the covers aside. He refused to open his eyes just yet, in fact, he closed them tighter as he felt his way pass the side table and tried to find the other wall for the door. All that earned him was the sharp corner of the dresser right into his shoulder.

Gordon inhaled through clenched teeth in pain, he opened one eye the tiniest sliver. Fine, he’ll actually _look_ where he was going. Thought he would know his own living space well enough by now but guess not.

He half paid attention as he took his leak. Thoughts started to creep into his head. He had broken down into a weeping, blubbering idiot last night. Something he specifically tried to avoid. He didn’t want anyone to see his weakness, he didn’t want anyone’s help, he didn’t want anyone’s pity.

No no no no no. If he couldn’t be self reliant then he was unhappy.

... Freemind's thoughts shifted again.

He accepted that at least one of his eyes were open now, staring at the light shining in through the thin shower window as he pulled up his boxers.

Brush his teeth, wash his face, comb his wet hands through his hair.

When he was done he instinctively walked himself to the kitchen to get the day started. His own footsteps rang in his ears like it was the loudest sounding thing within miles.

His eyes fell onto Calhoun who was putting a half full coffee pot back onto the warmer of the machine. Gordon stared at him in a fatigued manner, he could question why he was still here. Or debate whether he would have felt worse than he did now if he had left instead. But his head was uncharacteristically quiet.

He slowly walked over and wrapped his arms around Barney from behind. He leaned his head on his shoulder for a moment. Fuck- taking a breath in, he was assaulted by the other man's essence at full force. The soft scent was enough to send a shiver down his back. It was like he had a hit of a cigarette after trying to go cold turkey in efforts of kicking the addiction. A weak man of compulsions.

He didn’t let himself linger for long. Only a moment passed before he took his arms back and went to busy himself with getting a cup of coffee. “Excuse me.” He said in a dull tone as he grabbed a mug from the cabinet Barney was in front of.

Calhoun looked to the opposite side as he stepped out of the way, then he cleared his throat. “I want to talk, if you got a moment sometime today.”

Freemind grimaced with his eyes locked on the liquid he was pouring, “I’m tired.” He said dismissively.

Barney lowered his eyelids, “Well.” He wasn’t going to trap himself by not being able to inform Gordon and then him get upset later. “I’m still going to stay at my other place. I need the space.”

Freemind took a big, long sip of his caffeine. He welcomed the heat that was borderline hot enough to damage his skin. At least he was allowed this drug as a luxury. He still barely had the will to answer him afterwards.

“Yeah, fine.”

Calhoun took a little bit more. “Yeah because I really want to talk to you seriously... without everything getting too emotional.” If Freemind can't learn how to communicate and manage himself better, this wasn’t going to work.

Gordon stared into his cup, emotions already swirling around like the creamer in his drink. Watching it spin slowly and agonizingly. So he turned and left the room.

* * *

Showering had almost never failed to bring him comfort in the past. Nevermind that it was an ideal place to jerk off in times when he lived with other people, the privacy had an unmistakable easement. He also loved to be nude, sometimes it felt nice to have nothing on him touching his skin and dragging him down. Not to mention looking at himself in the mirror boosted his confidence.

He really did find himself very attractive. He was blessed with a handsome face that fit his tastes but he also had a body now that he was happy with. It wasn’t the ‘too skinny and lanky’ that came with being an awkward growing teenager. He was an adult with proportional muscles outlining his arms and legs and fat that was supposed to be there that made him all the more delectable. 

Even just the things like... the shape of his torso brought him an easy satisfaction. He would rub his hands down his sides, trace his fingers down his v-lines and grab his ass checking on it. Reminding himself he was well endowed was always fun too.

Alas, today was not one of those days. Though his loss of clothing in the bathroom was freeing, he was in no mood to gawk at himself full on. A quick look in the body length mirror was all it took to reassure himself that he hadn’t physically transformed into the damaged sense of self he felt inside.

The emptiness of the room was filled with noise as he turned the bath on.

At first the water was welcoming, he started with lukewarm temperature to ease his cold body into it then he slowly raised it hotter until his body was singing with that missing warmth again. Usually heat let his muscles relax, the comforting embrace in replacement of contact. The touch of moving water, sound of the radio, smell of the soap all usually enough to keep his mind focused on the task at hand. Sometimes if he was feeling really manic, he’d clean his body too vigorously. Casual shampoo rubs through his hair turning into rougher scratching at his scape and sudsing the body wash over his limbs one, two, three, four times over as he lathered, rinsed and repeated. Not the best, as he ended up red afterwards, but he didn't do that often.

But today he couldn’t ease up, it proving challenging to clear his head. He didn’t feel like burning his skin off or freezing in an icy shower, so he stood staring at the bottles in his personal waterfall as his mind continued to be cloudy. He thought to himself, what was waiting for him this upcoming week? Dread accompanying the predictions he had. Defenseless to stop any hurt feelings that would linger with him for what he knew would be a couple of days at the least.

He didn’t want to feel shitty. It scared him.

Freemind turned his attention to a cheap shower mirror that was suction cupped to the tiles, it was no bigger than his hand. Despite being an egomaniac, he in fact did not buy this on purpose. It came as a bonus with a bathroom shelf he wanted. But now that he had it, he wondered its purpose. He never once had the desire to grab a small mirror while showering- besides maybe soaping his hair up into a mohawk and having the passing question of if it looked cool. What was this accessory’s _practical_ purpose?

The real answer was probably nothing, it wasn’t meant to be useful. Just another item the company threw in because it was easy to make and would surprise the buyer, earning some extra credit in the eyes of the game of capitalism. It was now his job to make it useful. So it stayed causally waiting in his shower, letting it present the opportunity to aid him in something.

Right now, it was angled at his neck. He was admiring his collar bones. That was a really nice feature not everyone had, the way those bones were defined despite not being stick thin. His trapezius were noticeable too, which he didn’t realize until now. He wasn’t ripped like a bodybuilder with overly popping muscles, so it was a pleasant realization.

Ah, another feature he found attractive to boost his confidence in his physical self image. At least he had that. He hadn’t always had it. Running his fingers over his neck earned a smirk and an odd chuckle out of him, then he glided them over the dips in his collar.

Though he came to the conclusion that he liked this feature, his delirium was halted when the mirror fogged up and he couldn’t seem to wipe it clear again. His little enjoyment taken away. He turned his back to it, also causing the water to run over his back. Looking for something better to do.

Gordon noticed that actually, he wasn't enjoying anything else about this shower. The water had become suffocating and bothersome as it kept touching him, running over him in what felt like overbearing pats instead of the soft comfort he was used to.

With a swift turn of the faucet and pull the curtain, he ended the experience. There was nothing more to gain if he was just wasting water without any pleasant feeling with it. He was greeted by the full length body mirror again that hung on the back of the closed door. For some reason he always thought his wet body right after a shower looked unsightly. It’s bareness too open now.

An extra large towel was on the rack. Freemind liked that it could cover him with ease, no awkward spots that didn’t quite fit around him or his legs feeling cold. It was the little things that brought relief.

He sat on the side of the bathtub and listened to the radio mumble things to him. He was resting, deciding what was next. He ended up staying there for a long stretch of time.

But this simply hadn’t been distracting enough.

He held his face in his hand, as his upset thoughts consumed him. “What the fuck am I supposed to do?...” He croaked out. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

* * *

Some hours later the man was dressed and surrounded by the vague scent of a nice deodorant he put on.

Freemind is listening to a metalcore album as he lays on his bed, arms outstretched to the sides and a vacate expression on his face as he stares at the ceiling. “When Two are One” by Atreyu is playing.

He listens to the guitars and fried vocals almost complacently. Nothing, nothing is wrong. He’s alone and it’s fine.

_Stop!_

_My breathing in the night when you're not there._

_The silence ringing through my ears and all I want to do is hear your voice._

_But you're not there._

He’s only had this song on loop seven- eight times now. Normal, completely average. He likes metal. He was just enjoying the song, who even pays attention to the lyrics.

_Go!_

_And take away the pain of being me._

_Soothe my soul, caress my heart and end my fear, all my bad memories._

_Eradicated._

His lip twisted up and he slapped his hand hard over half his face. Oh who was he FUCKING kidding?? This was the gayest thing on the face of the planet! He grinded his teeth as the catharsis sent tears spilling down his cheeks and against his headphones. He couldn’t stop listening to it though. He needed to listen to it.

_My love is louder than these words, they're stronger than the rest, unstoppable._

_Unstoppable._


End file.
